


Confessions

by kavalai



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M, Friendship/Love, M/M, Vanilla
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 04:59:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17481644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kavalai/pseuds/kavalai
Summary: no sex. i don't know if i'll ever go any further with this one. sometimes i just write things out as a way of purging them.





	1. Chapter 1

Jeremy and Jessica lay sprawled out near the fireplace, the floor covered in blankets and pillows. Two empty bottles of bourbon sat within arms reach. Well, almost empty. Jessica's still had a splash or two left.

"Are you sure about this?"

Jeremy glanced at her, a trace of uncertainty still in his dark brown eyes. When she met his gaze with her blue-green ones, she searched the depths, unflinching, until she found the golden flecks in his irises,

"I've never been more sure of anything."

"But how do you ..?"

"I can't really explain that. It's an instinct. I would call it an impulse but considering how long it's lasted, I think that's silly. A feeling doesn't seem accurate either because everyone says those are fleeting and this is the most lingering emotion I've ever felt. I just know it's always been there."

"Always?"

"Always."

Her tone was calm and smooth, but it burned with emotion, much like the bourbon they had just spent several hours consuming. 

He was stretched out, closest to the fire, facing her. Propping up on his elbow, he watched her carefully. So resolute. So certain.

"Explain. I mean, what do you mean by always?"

She sighed, reaching for the bourbon and taking a slight sip. She was determined to make this last, because she didn't have any more left. 

"I remember the first time I saw him. There wasn't anything remarkable about it, really. He was sitting alone, eating. I don't remember what, probably a sandwich of some kind. His tall frame was slouched forward, and there was a slight tension around his mouth. Like he was waiting for something to happen. Or just eager to spring up and leave. I asked Lynn who he was, one of my friends at the time. She gave me his name, said he was a year older, so we wouldn't have had any classes together, and that it didn't matter because no one talked to him anyway. I asked why not, but she didn't know. She just knew they didn't. I felt my heart contract, almost painfully." 

She swallowed another sip as she continued,

"Being me, I asked around. I asked everybody. I was never shy back then. The thing that struck me the hardest was that nobody, not one person, had a reason why. Not that it would have mattered, I suppose. In high school, everything that feels like a reason just amounts to a bunch of bullshit, anyhow. So two days later, I told Lynn I was going to sit with him. She told me not to waste my time, because he wouldn't talk to me. He didn't talk to anybody. I told her I didn't care."

"That sounds like you," he chuckled to himself.

She shrugged her shoulders. 

"So I sat with him, every day. It took weeks before he said a word. I think three? Maybe two. The days started to blend together. I would just talk. As we know, that's never been a problem."

The sides of her mouth tilted up in a smile as she went on,

"I remember the first thing he ever said to me. 'I guess I'll see you tomorrow.' I pumped my fist in victory, making some comment about how he'd finally spoken. He said, 'Don't get used to it.'"

"And that sounds like him," Jeremy remarked. "But what about this always thing?"

"It's.." she sighed again, not exasperated but unsure how to explain. "It was like this magnetic pull. I wanted to know him. I wanted to protect him from every person's bad intentions. Like my stubby arms could wrap him in a shield of friendship with a hug - which by the way, you know he's not a fan of, to this day. I don't know how to explain it to you. I know he didn't need it. He wasn't in distress, then or now.."

She was going to continue, but she stopped herself and sat up, holding her hands out in a stop motion.

"And that brings our night of schmaltzy confessions to a close."

"But I have more questions!"

Jeremy followed suit, sitting up, indignant.

"You can't possibly."

She sank back down against the pillows in defeat.

"I totally do, but I'll try to keep it short. You know, this is why we're friends. We are so much alike."

"I know."

She waited for the question.

"So what makes it different, now?"

"As brave as I seemed to be then, I was scared shitless. I dated people who I knew couldn't hurt me."

"Why couldn't they hurt you?"

"Because I didn't love them. I love everything about him, and I'll continue to choose him, even when he doesn't present himself as an option."

There was a heavy silence before Jeremy spoke again.

"But Nolan doesn't feel the same way you do."

"I know."

"He might never feel the same way you do."

"I know," her tone hadn't changed. It was still eerily calm and resolute. 

He sat indian-style with his back to the fire.

"So what if he never does?"

"Then he never does."

He sat back on his hands.

"I've never seen you like this before."

"I'll tell you the same thing I told Nolan," she drank the last sip of bourbon and stood up, slowly, "Love shouldn't come with conditions. If he never feels the same way I do, our friendship isn't settling. But I'd like him to give it a shot. I'd like the chance to show him.."

"What love is like?"

She looked down at the empty bottle, wishing it were full. But you wouldn't find any answers in a liquor bottle, regardless of how much liquor was or was not inside it.

"What it's like to know that you can say or do something, and even if it makes the other person mad - they will still love you, they will not leave you. They might need space, but it's not the same thing."

Jeremy folded his arms, watching her carefully.

"And that's it? When did you become so chivalrous?"

"Chivalrous? Me?" she laughed. "You know me."

"I do," he waited expectantly for the rest of it.

She shrugged again, making her way slowly towards the kitchen. The room tended to wobble if she moved too quickly at the moment.

"I want him to know what it feels like to be desired. To be wanted. But that depends on what he wants. I'm not going to maul him, you know."

Jeremy stood, following her into the kitchen. He was trying not to laugh and it came out as a chortle, with a slight snort.

"He's a... "

"Don't say it. That's private."

"He's a man," Jeremy corrected himself, not saying the v-word, "He might like it if you mauled him a little."

"SHUT UP," she crumpled up a napkin and tossed it at his head, and then threw the empty bottles into the garbage. "Like that even matters."

"It does, doesn't it? A lot of people would feel an immense amount of pressure, being in love with a... with that kind of.. man."

"Yeah, well. If they feel pressure, they must have a shot."

He didn't spare her his annoyed look as opened the fridge, pulling out two bottled waters and tossing one to her.

"You always make this about him not being attracted to you instead of what it's really about."

"Part of it IS about that, because he doesn't see me like that."

"He's never been here. It's terrifying. Would you want to lose the person who matters most to you?"

"Even if he could never feel anything romantic for me, he wouldn't lose me. I'd still be here for him. The only way he's ever losing me is if he leaves again, and that would be his choice."

Jeremy propped himself up on the island counter, taking a deep drink of water.

"Maybe you should --"

"Okay. I get it. I'm a lost cause. I've fallen hopelessly for an unavailable virgin who will never see me as anything other then the short, fat best friend from 15 years ago. Thank you, Obi-wan for all the insight."

"Well," Nolan's voice came from the open kitchen doorway, "It was Yoda who provided the insight.."


	2. Chapter 2

She spun around so fast that her feet slid, her body almost colliding with the kitchen counter. He caught her carefully under the arms.

"And I've told you before that you matter to me. That was never a question."

She felt her body relax at his touch and she sighed with relief as he eased her back to a standing position.

"Thanks for the quick save." She smiled awkwardly, reaching for her water and downing it in several quick gulps.

"Glad to be of service. Do we .. need to talk about this?"

She shook her head, tossing the empty bottle in the garbage and reaching for another one in the fridge.

"I'm all talked out. Goodnight, gentlemen."

She waved absently, heading upstairs to her bedroom.

"But --" Nolan watched in confusion as Jessica ascended the stairs. He looked at Jeremy, "She's never shutdown a conversation before. Ever."

"Maybe she just wants to be sober before she has it."

Nolan let out the breath he didn't know he'd been holding and went to the fridge for a soda. He was notoriously straight edge. Not so much out of some religious choice, but a personal one. Alcohol messed with his meds and the other stuff didn't interest him. Anything that left him incapacitated wasn't something he was interested in trying.

The guys made their way back into the living room without a word and slumped on either side of the big couch.

"Level with me, man," Nolan said as he sipped his soda. "What did I just walk in on there?"

Jeremy fought the urge to sigh. Sometimes people were so ...

"I'm the hungover one here, Nole. If anyone should be feigning ignorance, it's me." He drank some more water. "Are you honestly going to sit there and act like you've never heard that before?"

"But she .." his brows knit together in confusion.

"What?" Jeremy waited.

"She never .. I mean. We used to talk about this kinda thing all the time. But then I, well, I.."

"You friendzoned her."

"...Yeah, and we never talked about it again. I mean she joked, occasionally. But that was before she moved from Rhode Island to Florida. Long before we all moved in HERE," he gestured around at the house the four of them shared -- Jeremy's boyfriend, Devon, was currently working at the local Stop N' Shop. 

Jeremy sipped his water thoughtfully, thinking.

"Can I ask you something? Just between us guys."

"Shoot." Nolan trusted Jeremy like the brother he'd always wanted. He'd tell him anything, within reason.

"You've never thought about it?"

Nolan rubbed the back of his neck absently as he sipped his soda. 

"I've never thought about it, realistically, with anybody."

"Alright. Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions. Let me try it this way. Do you trust her?"

"With everything."

"And she matters to you."

"Very much."

"More than .. what."

"More than anybody ever has."

"Which is stronger, your fear or your trust in her?"

"My trust in her."

"Did she earn it or bully you into it?"

Nolan laughed at their familiar joke. She was hardly a bully. But boy was it fun to tease her about it. She wrinkled her nose and scrunched her eyes, looking like she could literally breathe fire at any moment. She was sensitive to his boundary issues, always going out of her way to ask if something was okay before proceeding. He'd told her more than once that she didn't have to ask to hug him anymore, but she always did. She said it was because she respected him. It made him feel cherished that she was so careful, even though she was the only person who didn't need to be. He liked having her in his proximity. She had this bewitching way of unmooring him from his staunchly rooted behaviors but still leaving him feeling safe instead of scared.

"Because I can tell her anything. Even if she doesn't agree, I know she'll listen. She supports me and always wants the best for me.." he paused slightly, smiling, "She's fucking funny, and she gets my sense of humor. I used to be afraid that my humor would turn people off. But.."

Jeremy nodded at him to continue,

"She revels in it. She plays back. It's a hell of a good time when we banter and.. she makes me feel safe, even when I do things that terrify me."

He paused, letting all of this sink in.

"She loves you, man." Jeremy shrugged, "You might think it has limits or conditions or whatever, but it doesn't. If you know that you can never feel anything romantic for her? Tell her that. If all of this is because you've never been here before and you are scared shitless -- I'm not saying I don't get it, or sympathize. Of course I do. I have always given you the utmost support, and I always will. But I guess what I'm saying is, if you trust her, what are you afraid OF? 'Cause she'll help you work through it. She'll take it as slow as you want - you won't just fall. You'll catch each other. She just wants you to try. And really, can you think of a reason not to? 'Cause I can't think of a one and it's not even my love story."

With a stretch and a yawn, Jeremy patted him on the shoulder and stood up. 

"I'm going to bed. Goodnight, man."

Nolan stayed there for a while, sipping his soda and thinking. He got up and made his way to the kitchen, getting a fresh water, some "after alcohol aid" tablets and heading upstairs to Jessica's room. He heard the snores coming from behind the closed door and he couldn't help but laugh softly to himself. Letting himself in, he left the water and the pills on the small nightstand by her bed. Closing the door behind him he padded on down the hall to his room on the left. He had a lot to think about.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, Jessica was eating some eggs at the kitchen island, with an ice pack on the back of her neck. Her head wasn't throbbing but the tension in her neck proved she had definitely slept wrong. She was dressed in a long pink t-shirt that said "I Don't Do Mornings" in black cursive on the front, and black shorts.

Jeremy came flouncing into the kitchen, his smile big enough to light up the room.

"What's with you?"

Jessica quirked an eyebrow at him as she ate a forkful of eggs.

"Just having a great morning."

He practically floated around the kitchen as he made himself a three-egg cheese and mushroom omelette with sides of bacon and toast. Pouring a cup of coffee, he sat down a distance away from her at the nearby kitchen table and began scarfing his breakfast. She observed all this quietly, and then,

"You got pounded out."

Choking on the big bite he just took, he sputtered and coughed. She shrugged, making her way to the sink.

"Good for you. And Devon. Is he still sleeping?"

Jeremy nodded as he sipped his coffee, recovering from the coughing fit. Cleaning up her dish she patted him on the back, tossing the ice pack in the freezer as she made her way into the living room. Nolan was playing one of his video games on the giant big screen tv, splayed out on the blankets and pillows from the night before. He was clad in a dark gray t-shirt and black and white plaid sweatpants. She plopped down next to him, grabbing a pillow and leaning it against his hip before she sprawled out. 

"What's this one about?"

"Protecting the last city on Earth from an invasion of alien creatures."

She watched the game with mild interest.

"Thanks for the water, and the "after alcohol" tablets."

"Hungover?"

"Nope. I did sleep wrong though. My neck hurts."

He paused the game, touching her shoulder.

"Sit up."

"What?"

He waited. He wasn't big on repeating himself. It went along with his penchant for being laconic. She sat up as instructed. He turned her to the left and begin massaging her neck with his much larger hands. She was only five three. His height of six four came with long fingers and legs. She usually felt small next to him, even smaller now that his one hand easily encircled her neck and her shoulder blades. He felt the knot in her right shoulder blade and began working it out slowly, then kneading it. She didn't know what brought on this sudden contact, but she wasn't going to push it. She didn't say a word. He placed both his hands, palms down, on either of her shoulders. His hands were warm, but she still shivered.

"There. How's that?"

"Thank you. I think you may have warded off my impending tension headache."

"Glad to be of service."

She turned, looking at him curiously. He dropped his hands slowly, letting them rest in his lap.

"You said that to me before."

"Last night, when I came home."

One hand flew to her temple. Maybe that tension headache wasn't going away after all.

"When you... caught me before I fell."

"Right."

"How much of last night's talk with Jeremy did you catch?"

"That's irrelevant."

Her eyebrows rose.

"It.. it is?"

"It is."

He touched her cheek, and she felt the warmth of his touch spread down her neck all the way to her stomach. Her breath caught in her throat. She swore she wasn't hungover. Was she daydreaming? Hallucinating? How much bourbon did she drink? He leaned in, his lips brushing across hers, softer then the flutter of a hummingbird's wings - hesitant at first and then with more pressure. She felt her heart actually skip as her eyes drifted closed. All this time she thought this was something that only happened in the books she read. As far as hallucinations go, this was the best one she'd probably ever had. Leaning back, she fell against a splay of pillows, and his right hand cupped her head before it landed. In the back of her mind, the tenderness in the touch moved her, snapping her out of the possibility that she was dreaming when his fingers lightly scratched her scalp. The tingles ran down her spine and suddenly she was all sensation as she revelled in the feel of him looming above her, their legs tangling together and the first time his tongue brushed hers. They kissed for several minutes. Her right hand snaked through his hair, her left trailing up his hip. His left hand cupped her side, pulling her against him as they came up for air. Resting his forehead against hers, neither of them opened their eyes right away. 

In the back of her mind, there was some annoying sound that was trying to register itself. What the fuck. Why did it sound like applause? Snapping from her haze, she tilted her head back to see Jeremy and Devon in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room. Devon was clapping. Jeremy had written a "9" on a napkin in sharpie. She groaned in exasperation.

"Seriously? Seriously! You gave us a SCORE?"

Nolan buried his face in her shoulder as his began to shake with laughter.

"Sorry babe, couldn't help ourselves. ABOUT DANG TIME!"

The guys dashed back into the kitchen, through the rolling screen door and to their poolhouse out back. They loved their privacy. Also, they could be really loud.


End file.
